Author Archive for Ronnie Tucker

30
Mar
09

Vinyan (2009) – extreme boredom cinema

Vinyan

Vinyan

Having seen Vinyan getting rave reviews and full page spreads in Fangoria, I was quite eager to see it. It has even been billed as being the first of a new wave in ‘extreme cinema’.

A couple who lost their kid in a Tsunami think they see him in a video showing orphaned kids in Burma. The wife goes loopy and demands they travel to Burma looking for their son, this they do, spending a fortune on ‘guides’ who continually rip them off asking for more money.

What happens next? I’ve no idea. It took the film makers approximately 45mins to tell me, visually, what I’ve told you in two sentences. Thus, I gave up after the half way mark.

I could see the point of the initial 15-20mins where the couple see the video and she starts planning a vacation to hell on earth Burma, but was it really necessary to spend another 20mins seeing the couple going from place to place getting ripped off? Not in my opinion. The actors did a good job, solid acting, but the pacing is God awful.

I have a self made rule it’s called ‘the 30 minute rule’. That’s how long a film has to impress me. If, after about 25mins it shows promise, I’ll give it to the 40min mark. I broke my own rules to give Vinyan a chance, I should have killed it at the 30min mark. In my opinion Vinyan is the first in a new wave of extreme boredom cinema.

You know the old saying: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And Vinyan is no exception.

15
Mar
09

Psychic TV – First Transmission (1982) – Thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth

Psychic TV - First Transmission

Psychic TV - First Transmission

I fully intended to do my homework with this set of videos to bring you the background behind them and any other informative snippets that I could find. But the more I researched the more muddled the story became, so sod it – I’ll just review what I saw…

Psychic TV was a music band set up by a guy named Genesis P Orridge (no, seriously). From what I could gather, Thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth (who were obviously illiterate to use a spelling like that) were the visual side of Mr Orridge’s audio side. The set of videos were apparently only available through mail order and only if you had bought his previous nine albums. You know how it goes, you buy the thing – get a token – keep the tokens, send them in, blah blah blah. But in return for some tokens you were sent this set of bizarre movies which last about six hours in total. What’s on them? I’m glad you asked…

The first (of four) tapes begins with some guy who is apparently the spokesman for Thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth (TOPY). While we hear a voice, the figure is mouthing, and gesturing, something completely different, so that section is a bit like watching an old Jackie Chan movie (back when he was good). The next forty-five minutes are of some poor devil getting whipped, slashed and, to top it all off, given – what looks like – a blood enema. Are these scenes real hacking and slashing? I honestly don’t know, but the cutting scenes do look real, taking in to account that this was made in the early 80’s (special effects weren’t cheap and were usually God awful) it certainly looks real. Then, an intermission – five minutes of the Virgin Mary complete with flashing heart and halo.

Virgin Mary figure, complete with flashing halo and heart! (batteries not included)

Virgin Mary figure, complete with flashing halo and heart! (batteries not included)

And to finish off video one, some chick peeling off her drawers to reveal one of the most ugly vaginas ever. I don’t think it was supposed to be hideous, but its one of those vaginas with the curling in labia and sticky out bits. Ugh…

Video two starts off with someone driving around a town somewhere taking video footage at the same time. This was obviously filmed in the 70’s since everyone is wearing flares and tight t-shirts. The we see some teenagers in a flat looking absolutely stoned out their nut. After about five minutes of them we cut to some kid getting some backstreet surgery done on his arm this, it would appear, lets him (and later, his friend) hook up some device to his arm where he can press a button and get high as a kite.

What's this all about? Answers on a postcard to the usual address...

What's this all about? Answers on a postcard to the usual address...

Later in this section he lies face down on a table and our backstreet Mr Mengele operates at the base of the kids spine with another little press-button box thing. Unfortunately it’s at this point the kid pops his clogs, dressed only in his underpants with a little black box dangling from his ass crack. Mr Mengele seems upset and we cut to some flashback footage. Finally, we get some de-penis-ing. Not castration as some reviews have said. His testicles are not removed, his PENIS is removed! No, I’m not kidding. This kid lies down on a bed, some guy comes in with a pair of scissors and cuts his dick off. And there’s a fair few spurts of blood. Is it fake? Again, I doubt it, as this was, again, released in the early 80’s, I doubt they had the technology to do this back then.

‘But how does he pee?’ I hear you ask.

His urine dribbles forth from a small opening above his testicles. As is demonstrated near the end of this video. Most unpleasant! This tape ends with some weird music (Psychic TV music? I dunno) and flashing images. Trippy maaaaaan!

Oooooh, oh... pretty woman. Oh no, sorry, it's Jim Jones...

Oooooh, oh... pretty woman. Oh no, sorry, it's Jim Jones...

Tape three is the Jim Jones tribute tape. There’s just over thirty minutes of Jim ‘I want to be Elvis, but look more like Roy Orbison’ Jones’ rambling madness. Sanity is forthcoming however, with five minutes of a pretty girl disrobing, showing her boobs then getting dressed again. Hallelujah! Insanity returns with ten minutes, or so, of a girl clipping her beaver hair and some guy poking a hole in the side of his dick. Yes, there’s blood.

Final video begins with an interview. Now I initially thought this was some bald headed dyke, but according to the type on screen, it’s Mr Genesis P. Orridge himself.

Mr Genesis P. Orridge - I still reckon it's a dyke...

Mr Genesis P. Orridge - I still reckon it's a dyke. Would you trust a guy who shaves his eyebrows like a woman??

Him (and someone else) ramble on for a good five minutes before it cuts to some swirly shapes with weird music. Now either I have an over-active imagination (quite possible) or they’ve purposely used some porn footage in the swirly shapes. Behold:

It's porn, I'm telling you. No, seriously. No, I'm not on drugs!!

It's porn, I'm telling you. No, seriously. No, I'm not on drugs!!

Swirly porn-ified music continues for about twenty minutes before the video cuts to a screen proclaiming: ‘An Introduction to the Temple Ov Psychick Youth’. Now it’s flashing images for the best part of twenty minutes and, finally, ending with the spokesman.

The badly out of sync spokesman.

The badly out of sync spokesman.

Having read a bit in to Mr Orridge, and PsychicTV, these videos are more art-house than horror. Certainly the torture and de-penis-ing are gory, and possibly real, but the rest are (I think) mere visual imagery for his music. Still worth flicking through just to be able to tell people what you saw.

On second thoughts – no, maybe it’s better if you don’t tell them about the torture and de-penis-ing!

08
Mar
09

Japanese Spiderman – Episode 1 for streaming (and downloading)

You didn’t even know there was a Japanese Spiderman TV series? Shame on you! Well, okay, most people don’t know it, but there was indeed a Japanese Spiderman and, truth be told, it whooped the ass of the US TV series.

Produced by Toei Company in the late 1970s, the series follows the exploits of motorcycle racer turned super hero Takuya Yamashiro (not Peter Parker), as he slings and swings, battling the evil Iron Cross Army along the way.

Some Japanese Spidey goodness:

Japanese Spiderman - episode 1

Japanese Spiderman - episode 1

Not only does he kick ass, he has a mech too!

Not only does he kick ass, he has a mech too!

Anyway… head over to the Marvel site (below) to watch episode 1 in all it’s 70’s glory and with subtitles!

Source: http://www.marvel.com/news/moviestories.7114.Watch_Japanese_Spider-Man_on_Marvel

18
Feb
09

Jason Voorhees returns to form in Friday the 13th : the remake

Friday the 13th (2009)

Friday the 13th (2009)

The original Friday 13th movie was unusual in that it never showed Jason Voorhees in his hockey mask. In fact, neither did Part II. So how come all the ads, posters and clips we’ve seen have Jason complete with hockey mask?

Simple: first five minutes of the remake is Part 1, next fifteen minutes or so are equivalent to Part II and from there on in, it’s the usual Jason mayhem. But it’s all done in a good way.

I’ve watched all ten Friday movies, VII is my favourite by the way, and I like Kane Hodder so I was a tad weary when it was announced that it was some new guy who would play Jason in the remake.

The film starts off with what we know as the end of Part I (re-shot in grainy black and white), but with a twist (which I won’t give away) which gives (some sort of) reason to Jason’s madness. Next we see new material, kids canoodling in the forest, but with Jason dressed ala Part II, the one eyed sack. The sleeping bag scene (no, not that one, she doesn’t get whacked off of a tree!) shows that this new Jason is cunning, fast, and aggressive. Only having dispatched of said group of teens, with a new bunch arriving, do we see Jason finding ‘the mask’ and becoming the Jason we all know and love.

It suits you Sir.

It suits you Sir.

All the teens in the movie are your run of the mill Friday group. Drinking beer, smoking weed, guys giving each other high fives and chicks who’ll whip their kit off at the wink of an eye. And there’s some nice boobage on display. Needless to say, each of the group are disposed of in turn, and this is my only real nitpick with the film – most of the kills are just bog standard stabbings, there’s no inventive gory/controversial killings which would have helped the movie.

Ah cuz he's back... he's the man behind the mask...

Ah cuz he's back... he's the man behind the mask...

Either way, I liked the new Friday the 13th. The plot isn’t ground breaking, it’s the usual Friday stuff and the ending – well, I won’t spoilt it, but it was a bit of a cop out. It could certainly have been a LOT worse (which is what I was expecting) and I really like the new Jason. Gone is the overacted, heavy breathing, stumbling, zombie Jason. In comes a fast, cunning, aggressive Jason. I approve!.

14
Feb
09

Feast 3 – The Happy Finish

Feast III - The Happy Ending

Feast III - The Happy Finish

And now we reach the end of the Feast trilogy (assuming they do end it here that is) with Feast III – The Happy Finish..

The first five minutes of Feast III consists of flashbacks to Feast and Feast II. Feast III continues on right from the end of Feast II showing what happens to Honey Pie (shant spoil it) and the rest of the gang.

As we’ve come to expect from the previous two movies, Feast III has the usual amount of schoolboy humour and over the top gore/comedy.

Having survived Fast II, the group meet up with a Duke Nukem/cowboy who has a plan for survival, which comes to a rather unfortunate end, leaving the group at a loss for leadership. This is soon remedied by a mysterious ‘prophet’ who seems to have some sort of control over the beasts (whom we still know little, to nothing, about).

But before the meeting is surely one of Feast III’s funniest moments. Ass rape. Yes, that’s right, I’ve managed to write a review with a humorous scene of ass rape. Our ex-car dealer has his back to the wall, while trapped in a storage container. Unfortunately, said wall has a hole in it which one of the randy beasts decides to make good use of. The rest you can find out while watching it.

Ass rape - in this case, it's funny.

Ass rape - in this case, it's funny.

As the beasts run from the mysterious ‘prophet’ the gang take his advice and head for the place where the trilogies humour comes from: the sewers. Here they meet a Macguyver/Bruce Lee wannabe.

Beast balls! Gratuitous sack shot

Beast balls! Gratuitous alien sack shot

Another humorous thing in Feast III is the pole-in-head guy from Feast II. With a pole through your head, I’m sure it’d be quite difficult to talk and you’d be even harder to understand. Subtitles to the rescue! Yes, every time pole-in-the-head guy talks, we get subtitles showing, approximately, what he’s mumbling.

Pole-in-the-head guy goes delerious.

Pole-in-the-head guy goes delirious and thinks one of the midgets is his son.

The survivors leave the sewers and head for street level where the trilogies ending begins.

I’m not going to spoil it, but I enjoyed the ending. Some may not like it, but it’s suitable for the Feast movies. In fact, I’ve enjoyed all three Feast films. They’ve been funny, gory, chock full of boobage and schoolboy humour.

Long may it last. More Feast and more schoolboy humour please!*

* and, of course, boobs

25
Jan
09

El Violador Infernal (aka: The Evil Rapist) – Mexican

El Violador Infernal

El Violador Infernal

Well, this is different. I haven’t seen a Mexican horror movie before.

The movie starts with a man, known only as ‘the cat’, being sent to the electric chair. I didn’t even know they used ol’ sparky in Mexico. Anyway, they fry him and, while he’s dead, he sees the image of a hot older chick in a see-through dress who says that she’s Satan and she’ll bring him back to life with all the money, and drugs, he could ever want. But he must contiue his raping/killing spree, but offer up the poor victims to Satan by carving ‘666’ on them.

So, with a new lease of life our ‘hero’ now has a fancy house and more ‘exotic herbs’ than you can shake a poo covered stick at.

Now, prior to his new lease of life the hot older chick Satan did set up some rules, and she was pretty explicit in explaining them. This is where I paused the movie to re-read the subtitles to make sure she was saying what I thought I read, and she did indeed say:

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, 'rape every man...'?!!

I laughed and returned to watching the film. So now we see ‘the cat’ with his fancy house and snorting coke from a snuff box. He gets in his fancy car and drives off. Next we see him talking to quite possibly the most camp man on celluloid. This guy is more effeminate than the hot older chick Satan! ‘The cat’ babbles on a load of old nonsense before whipping out his… knife (you filthy minded people make me sick!) and stabbing the guy – nearly – to death. Then… well, pictures say more than words:

* I'm speechless at Mexican depravity *

* I'm speechless at Mexican depravity *

Eventually the cops show up and are so homophobic its laughable:

They're talking about the stabbed-raped-now-dead guys boyfriend.

They're talking about the stabbed-raped-now-dead guys boyfriend.

So after about three more stab-rape-kill events the cops twig to the fact that maybe ‘the cat’ is still alive. Somehow. Eventually ‘the cat’ goes on a bender of drink, drugs, and rape, but now we find out that he can shoot lasers from his eyes as he burns down a house. As he flees the house, high as a kite, good ol’ Satan appears and strips him of his powers. Why? Because:

[CRAP STORYLINE SPOILER ALERT]

… he failed to carve 666 on the last chick, so he’s a failure.

[/SPOILER ALERT]

And thus ends the (second) reign of ‘the cat’.

It’s an OK film up until he rapes the near dead gay guy. They could have at least flashed up a warning or something before he did it! I was having my dinner at the time. Bastards. Anyway, other than that, it’s quite a repetitive film of him picking up hookers masseurs and bumping them off. The only thing to stop sheer boredom of that repetitiveness is the cops trying to nail him, but even that isn’t very entertaining.

Would I watch another Mexican film? Yes, but only after reading a synopsis of it to see if it has any near-necro-gay-rape scenes!

El bastardos!

27
Dec
08

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police

Oh yes, it’s here!

Tokyo Gore Police!

If you’ve seen The Machine Girl, then it’s more of the same crazy gore-fest goodness.

The basic story is as thus: (from IMDb)

Set in a future-world vision of Tokyo where the police have been privatized and bitter self-mutilation is so casual that advertising is often specially geared to the “cutter” demographic, this is the story of samurai-sword-wielding Ruka and her mission to avenge her father’s assassination. Ruka is a cop from a squad who’s mission is to destroy homicidal mutant humans known as “engineers” possessing the ability to transform any injury to a weapon in and of itself.

Sound crazy? Kinda. But you’ve really got to see it to believe it.

Some parts of TGP remind me of Robocop. There are parts in the movie where it suddenly switches to a TV advert, one in particular (which I thought was hilarious in this day and emo-age) was for special cutter blades, where emo-kids could use these fancy blades to cut cool shapes in to themselves, all done in over the top TV ad style. Very funny.

Tokyo Gore Police - she's the radio control chick

Tokyo Gore Police - she's the Police radio controller chick

Other parts of the movie are just plain mad. We often cut to scenes where a woman with an old 1950’s style microphone announces, in her best radio voice, incidents that are occurring. I can only assume that she’s the radio controller for the Police!

In other scenes we see a maniac murdering a woman and stuffing her remains in to a cardboard box:

She's a boxer. Hah! Geddit?! I made a funny!

She's a boxer. Hah! Geddit?! I made a funny!

In a rather fetishistic scene we see odd looking mutants dance across a stage with a skin covered, still breathing, chair that pees on people! Behold:

It's a living, breathing, peeing chair!

It's a living, breathing, peeing chair!

But there is some inventive stuff here. When the engineers are making other people engineers, they hold an organic key to the persons skin and a little keyhole appears, they pop the key in and turn it and a part of the person just pops open, unlocked, for the engineer to stick the key in to. I’ve not seen that done before!

Crazy/gory/mutated scenes are ten a penny in this film, too many to capture for here, but TGP is definitely a beautiful film. It’s well lit (colourful), the effects are pretty much all latex (yay! No CGI!) and there is a story.

I’ll be honest with you people. I downloaded a DVD-rip of TGP with subs, but I’ll tell you: if this comes out on DVD as a Directors Cut I’ll be all over it like a rash. You mark my words!

Tokyo Gore Police… it’s your DUTY to watch it!

Behold, the trailer… bow before it’s greatness!