Author Archive for Ronnie Tucker



23
Dec
08

Lao Mao (1992) aka: The Cat

The Cat

Lao Mao, aka: The Cat

Lao Mao (aka: The Cat) is a Cantonese film which is completely and utterly bonkers.

It starts off with some guy writing. I’ve no idea what he’s writing as the subtitles don’t display anything until about ten minutes in to the film (helpful) so from what I can gather he’s telling us this tale (no pun intended) of how this little fat guy can’t get any sleep because of his neighbours upstairs always hammering stuff. The little guy reaches breaking point, storms upstairs and bangs on the neighbours door. An old guy opens the door slightly and apologises. Our little fat perv notices a beautiful younger woman inside the flat holding her pussy. Oh, sorry, holding her cat.

A few days later the old guy, and young chick, move out. The little fat guy goes to investigate, lo and behold the door just happens to be open, and he explores the place, see’s some nasty gore and calls the cops. Turns out it’s animal guts, and they all call him a dumbass.

It’s about now it goes a tad South of sanity. We see, what I assume to be a dead, tramp lying in the sewers with goo going into him, next thing he’s plodding through the sewer like Night of the Living Homeless.

Next in a museum we see the young womans pussy again, this time the sneaky feline is eyeing up a relic. It breaks open the glass case, inspects the relic then they get busted by a museum guard. But he’s taken out by some old guy who dives through the window thinking he’s a ninja. But then the zombie tramp appears and… well, quite frankly does bugger all but try to frighten them through a window.

Run away! It's the Zombie Tramp!!!!!

Run away! It's the Zombie Tramp!!!!!

But then the zombie tramp pulls out the Ace card: he turns into a big pile of spaghetti, flies in the window, eats some museum guards, and turns in to, what looks like, a giant mushroom type thing.

Next we find out that the girl and the cat are in fact aliens. No, seriously. One of the cops investigating this madness goes to a location, sneaks about, nearly gets caught so hides, the cat senses him and pounces on him (well, not the actual cat, it’s an extremely bad, stuffed, stunt double cat) the cop is about to pan it’s brains in with a chair but, through the window, comes the old I-think-I’m-a-ninja guy who knocks the cop out.

Then things get a bit saucy with the cop’s wife coming home in a tiny tennis outfit and covered in sweat. They watch a news bulletin talking about the museum stuff, and he’s off on the trail of the pesky moggy once more.

Gotta love the accurate subtitles...

Gotta love the accurate subtitles...

Cat hairs are found in the museum so with that clue (probably their only clue) they do what any other cop would do. Send it off for analysis? No, they visit some weird guy and ask him for a loan of a big huge dog.

A group of cops investigate a location and come face to face with the big pile of spaghetti and it kills most of them, taking over one guy. He gets some guns, becomes a one man army and is trying to get the girl and the cat. Meanwhile the big dog and the cat are having a big fight in some sort of junk yard. No idea why, but they are, and the cat leaves the dog for dead.

But fear not, the dog isn’t dead. He’s too big and strong for that death stuff.

After the possessed cop waging war on the good cop, his wife, the chick, the cat and the old ninja guy he turns in to a large wad of playdoh. Or that’s what it looked like to me. While the special effects up to this point were pretty crappy, it was here they hit an all time low and became, quite literally, claymation.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

The alien cat dives in to the mouth of the claymation beast, blows it apart and, in short, they all get to live happily ever after.

I was not on any legal/illegal substances, and all of the above happened. I swear!

The film is utter rubbish, but it’s worth watching it just to be able to tell people about it, and watch their reactions…

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10
Dec
08

Bandh Darwaza – Bollywood Dracula

bandh_darwaza_big Bandh Darwaza is hard to describe. It’s part Hammer House of Horror, part comedy.

The film begins with a rather official looking certificate, for something or other:

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

… then shows a couple who are praying for a child, some old guy with some funny markings on his forehead says that they will be successful, but God works in mysterious ways. Personally, I think it’s the guy who just can’t ‘do the business’ as it were.

Next the housekeeper makes the woman an offer.

No, not that kind of offer, you perv!

She tells the childless wife that if she visits ‘Black Mountain’ she is guaranteed a child. This is where Dracula appears. Well, I dunno if he’s meant to actually be Dracula, but he’s dressed like his Hollywood counterpart, he’s definitely a vampire, I know that much. Anyway, he demands that if the kid is a girl, he keeps it. Kinky. The guy playing Dracula/Vampire is actually pretty spooky looking, but that’s spoiled by the fact that he walks as though he has a broom stuck up his ass. Shame. But sure enough the woman gives birth to a girl, a big fight ensues and Dracula/Vampire gets bumped off.

All that happens in the first twenty minutes of the movie. It was at this point that a whole load of credits popped up on the screen, amongst which were:

bandh_screenshot2

Always handy to know where they get their wood from...

I thought that maybe this was a short film, and checked the run time then realised it was over two hours long! Are all Bollywood movies this long?

After the credits is where it gets rather saucy, and funny. A well fit Indian chick in a tight leotard is doing her aerobics while a pervy little servant guy peeks through the door.

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

I’ve no idea who the little perv guy is, but he’s the best part of the whole movie. He’s genuinely hilarious!

Fit chick and pervy guy (right)

Fit chick with boobs, and pervy guy (right)

After a while, we learn that the fit chick is actually the daughter who should have been sacrificed to Drac/Vamp but wasn’t. Blah blah blah… more Dracula stuff then… dancing. Yep, it’s Bollywood, so no movie is complete without some singing and dancing. This happens about five times in the movie, I just fast forwarded past the music bits. The next best bit of the movie is when this other fit chick tries to seduce the fit chicks guy…

Oh my! I would!

Oh my! I would!

Blah blah blah, as you’d expect: they defeat the evil vampire (after about two hours!) and all is well.

The only bad thing about the movie is that it has no nudity or boobage, very dissapointing, especially for a Dracula/Vampire movie. I’d expect some nakedness and cavorting, but no. But for a film thats long, completely crackers and has hot Indian chicks in tight stuff… it’s great! 😀

07
Dec
08

Guitar Hero World Tour – Xbox 360

Guitar Hero World Tour

Guitar Hero World Tour

Everyone knows that Horror and Heavy Metal are made for each other. It’s a fact! So being able to sit in your bedroom with a miniature plastic guitar and play along to songs from Metallica and Ozzy Osbourne – to name but two – is something of a wet dream cum true.

That’s my lame excuse to justify my review of Guitar Hero World Tour…

Guitar Hero World Tour is the fourth game in the Guitar Hero franchise. And certainly one of the most elaborate. I played a fair bit of Guitar Hero III which (I believe) was one of the first guitar games to use motion capture technology to capture the performances of Brett Michaels, Tom Morello and Slash (they were also the ‘bosses’ that you had to beat in a duel) but Guitar Hero World Tour (aka: GHWT because I’m too lazy to keep typing the full name for the entire review) has upped the ante with motion captured Ozzy, some drummer guy that I’ve never seen before, Sting (no, I’m not kidding, it has Sting in it. Maybe they were strapped for cash after getting Ozzy and went for some lower priced talent, I dunno, but he looks totally out of place) and Jimi Hendrix, I’d be interested to know how they got the motion capture for him (just kidding). GHWT is also the first game, in the series, to include Bass, Drum and Vocal tracks for players to use, hence the inclusion of motion captured drummer-guy and Sting. So, yeah, you can terrorize your neighbourhood with a plastic drum kit too! Yay!

Just a side note about the instruments: I played GHWT with no problems at all using my GHIII guitar.

Why would GUITAR Hero include other instruments? Because it has begotten a bastard son, named: Rock Band. It was the first game to use several instruments and a serious rival to GHIII, so GHWT really had to include other instruments to keep up with Rock Band 2. So there’s also Rock Band 2 to satisfy your finger twiddling delight, but for me the song list in GHWT is far superior.

Speaking of songs: this is also the first guitar game to use the original songs in the game, 86 songs to be exact. Guitar Hero III had some original tracks, but some were recreations of the original, but for the most part they sounded ok. Here it’s the real deal. For a full song list from GHWT, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_songs_in_Guitar_Hero_4, just be aware though: that isn’t the order in which you play the songs. It starts off nice and easy and increases in difficulty. Even when you’ve completed all 86 songs, there’s a ton of downloadable content including the entire Death Magnetic album from Metallica, oh how they’ve changed their tune since Napster. It also has a built in music editor for creating your own music! AAAAAND it can also use XboxLive to exchange songs and do musical battle with. If they could include an option for it to give out slippery hand-jobs, it’d be the greatest thing since the invention of the sex doll.

Anyway, I digress. You start the game by deciding which instrument you want to play, then create your guitar hero (or drum hero, whichever). Like GHIII, you start by playing dingey, smokey, clubs and work your way up. Along the way you must battle musical greats such as Zak Wylde, Jimi Hendrix, Sting, Ozzy Osbourne and drummer-guy. You can begin by playing on the Easy setting (using only three out of the five buttons) and unlocking songs along the way. When you’re ready, you can move up to the more advanced settings using four, and eventually all five, buttons. Don’t worry, you can also practice songs too (once they are unlocked) section by section to get it nailed. Scoring is done by not missing any notes and by using your ‘star power’. Some notes will be star shaped, play the entire string of star notes and you get one star power. When you reach three, four, or five, stars you can unleash your star power which will increase your score for the length of the power, more stars means a longer star power.

Good as it is, GHWT does have a couple of little flaws:

  • Tool. The band Tool, that is. There’s a section of four Tool songs that look totally out of place. Why not scatter the songs throughout the game? Why do I have to play four boring Tool songs in a row? And why does the background need to have a large eye with little floaty eye things? Every other section shows the stage with the musicians doing their thang, for the Tool section its some weird trippy looking background.
  • Sting. What the hell is he doing in a rock/metal game? I hope he was cheap!
  • The last section of the game. This is where the creators obviously wanted their monies worth from using Sting, Ozzy and drummer-guy. For the last section it wheels them out and, including yourself, is the ultimate band. Fair enough. Not so bad you think. Yeah, great until you see Ozzy dancing and singing La Bamba! Then have Sting headbang to Trapped Under Ice (Metallica)! Utter madness.
  • The end. The game doesn’t have a story as such, but still, I won’t spoil what happens at the end but, suffice to say: it’s completely out of place, surreal, and could easily have had a Dio song in the background… odd, VERY odd…

But even with those flaws, GHWT is still an awesome game! I’m no guitar virtuoso by any means, but I’ll certainly be going back to it again and again to play the songs and up the skill level.

For more background info and history on GHWT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guitar_Hero_World_Tour

15
Nov
08

The Machine Girl (aka: Kataude mashin gâru) by Noboru Iguchi

The Machine Girl

The Machine Girl

Look at that poster! How can you NOT love it?! It has a chick, dressed as a school girl with a fuckin’ great gatling gun for a forearm!

The story is a simple revenge plot. A school girl’s brother, and his friend, are bullied to death (literally!) by a gang of Yakuza youths. Our school girl heroine wants deadly revenge for her dead brother and sets about killing the youths responsible. Along the way she gets captured, and tortured, by them. Missing her left forearm, she manages to escape and is helped by the grieving parents of her brothers friend. They help her get well again and equip her with a gun for an arm. Needless to say, a massacre ensues…

If ever there was a live action anime, The Machine Girl is it. It has the school girl who excels at sports and is practically a ninja in her own right with a friend who idolises her. The weak school boy who’s getting bullied, as is his chubby bespectacled friend. Whenever someone is shot, it is never just a few bullets, it’s bloody carnage! Bloody sprays everywhere, and in one scene the flesh is shot off one person revealing most of their skull! The mother of the bespectacled boy just happens to be a mechanic, the Yakuza father takes things to extreme father/son relations and the mother of the Yakuza kid just happens to be a sadistic bitch with a rather odd, mechanical, bra.

No dribbles of blood in this film, it sprays everywhere!
No dribbles of blood in this film, it sprays everywhere!

Although it has to be said: the acting is pretty woeful. But then, in their defence, the story is hardly believable, nor serious. The effects are pretty good and range from the bog standard hose of blood through to some, what looked to me like, CGI.

She literally shoots the flesh of his bones!
She literally shoots the flesh of his bones!

As long as you can suspend all shades of belief, this is a good, fun, film to watch. There’s no real serious moments in it, and even if there are it’s overshadowed by some bad acting. Basically, if you can watch a cheesy anime (or read a cheesy manga) then you’ll love this film.

This is the schools professional mourners club (no seriously).
This is the schools professional mourners club (no seriously, it is).

The writer/directors next movie, Tokyo Gore Police, is due out early 2009. I’ll definitely be keeping an eye out for it as it looks even more disturbing than Machine Girl!

03
Nov
08

Tod Browning’s Freaks (1932)

Todd Browning's Freaks (1932)

Tod Browning's Freaks

Freaks is an old black and white movie from 1932, but don’t let that fool you. There was no political correctness in those days, and it certainly shows in this movie, but not in a bad way.

A beautiful trapese artist in the travelling circus falls in love with Hans, a midget. Coincidence that he is to come in to a large inheritance? We think not. The other midget in the circus warns Hans that she’s after him for his money but he isn’t convinced. Later Hans falls ill and the rest of the travelling circus are suspicious of the trapese artist and her sneaky lover Hercules. They find out she’s been poisoning Hans and gang up on the money grabbing pair, turning the one lovely trapese artist into a freak like them. As the narrative in the movie says, if you insult one freak, you insult them all…

Special effects are zero, all the freaks in the movie are genuine human oddities. There’s everything from midgets, dwarves, people with odd shaped heads, human skeletons, and watch out for the ‘caterpillar dude’ (TM, Ronnie) who is just a torso with a head, no seriously… he has no limbs what-so-ever and just crawls about like a caterpillar, VERY spooky. As if that’s not bad enough there’s a guy with no hips/legs who runs using his arms and hands! It is easily the spookiest thing I have ever seen in a film. At one point in the film he’s ‘sitting’ on the ground, but it just looks like some dude thats been buried up to his waist.

Cleopatra (the trapese artist) and Hans
Cleopatra (the trapese artist) and Hans (the perv)

It (unfortunately) wasn’t in the version I viewed, but apparently there is an alternative, now considered lost, ending where Hercules is castrated and ends up as a castrato. That ending would have been the icing on the cake for this film, I want it found and restored!

one of the 'pinhead' kids
one of the ‘pinhead’ kids

Other than the freaks themselves, the ending (below) is extremely creepy, it’s like a miniature/deformed Dawn of the Dead with midgets walking, toward Hercules, through the rain with nothing but evil in their eyes.

Run! Run!
Run away! It’s a ginormous wagon wheel!

I’m not quite sure how this managed to get a DVD release, as I’d have thought the PC freaks (pun intended) would have interjected and demanded a ban, but no, and thank God for sense and reason! Although apparently it was banned for thirty years in the UK, hardly a surprise for the UK.

Freaks is a good film, the ‘people with unusual physical characteristics’, while in a circus, are shown living (relatively) normal lives and seem to enjoy what they’re doing. Although one actor did denounce the movie as offensive. But I’m sure he/she still accepted their wage. Freaks is a classic movie, and deserves at least one watch for it’s curiosity factor.

31
Oct
08

top five albums for your Halloween party

Halloween isn’t just about dressing up, but to get you in the mood for things, here’s my Top 5 albums fit for Halloween…

Slayer – Divine Intervention

Slayer - Divine Intervention

You can’t go wrong with some Slayer on Halloween, and Divine Intervention is a growling, scary, album. This is the first Slayer album I heard (and bought) so has always been one of my favourite Slayer albums. Has songs dedicated to Jeffrey Dahmer (213) among other things.

White Zombie – Astro Creep 2000

White Zombie - Astro Creep 2000

101% relevant to this blog is White Zombie’s Astro-Creep 2000. All the songs on this album pay homage to the exploitation genre. The songs are heavy and littered with audio clips from various B-movies.

Scum of the Earth – Blah Blah Blah…

Scum of the Earth - Blah Blah Blah...

A truly under-rated band. Scum of the Earth is made up of the band members from Powerman 5000 and the guitarist from Rob Zombie’s solo albums. Similar to White Zombie (and Rob Zombie’s solo stuff) Scum of the Earth has some groovy, heavy, songs – fit for Halloween.

Slayer – Reign In Blood

Slayer - Reign In Blood

It wouldn’t be a Halloween music list without Slayers Reign In Blood. A legendary album which has EASILY stood the test of time. These youngsters now-a-days can’t hold a candle to this album. Wussies!

Rob Zombie – Hellbilly Deluxe

Rob Zombie - Hellbilly Deluxe

The ULTIMATE Halloween album (in my opinion) full of creepy tunes, movie audio clips and growling guitars. You NEED this album for your Halloween party!

Feel free to leave your suggestions for cool Halloween albums!

29
Oct
08

Saw V – Spoiler Free Review

Saw V

Saw V

Readers of this blog will know that I am a self-confessed Saw fanboy. So I was eager to see how the Saw franchise would move forward with the death of it’s leading character.

Fear not dear reader, this review will be spoiler free, I will not be giving away any new plot details, I promise!

Saw V begins with a quick review of what we found out at the end of Saw IV, that Jigsaw is dead, Strahm is trapped in a room and the other players from IV are also dead. The only survivor is Hoffman.

Saw V starts with the pendulum trap that we saw in one of the first clips released. V spends half of its time jumping back and forth between the past explaining stuff (‘stuff’ that I shan’t expand upon), and the present, with five new players in a trap. This is the ‘five will become one’ clip that was circulating before the release of V.

A lot of questions are answered in Saw V, but – true to the series – more questions arise as the movie trundles along. Speaking of which, I found the first twenty or so minutes quite slow, but – true to form – picked up pace. This is definitely more of a story Saw, than a gore Saw.

You won’t believe how it ends‘ say all the posters. Well, I obviously won’t give away the ending, but it’s hardly earth shattering – still a nice twist though.

I breath a sigh of relief and say: I like Saw V, I’m still a fan. And well done Mr Hackl too, his first full film as a Director, and it looks good… has the continuity of Saw I – IV (hardly surprising since Hackl practically is Jigsaw!), it’s dark, nicely lit and gory when it needs to be.

I just worry that there’s an outsider lined up to Direct Saw VI. Oh well, won’t be long now ’til Oct ’09…