Archive for the 'Humour' Category



28
Dec
08

Alex’s Top 10 Movies of the Year!!!!!!

Greetings fellow Midnighters!!!!  Here is my video of my top ten films of the year.  Sorry it turned out to be much longer than I anticipated, but I had a lot to say.  DIG IN!

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27
Dec
08

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police

Oh yes, it’s here!

Tokyo Gore Police!

If you’ve seen The Machine Girl, then it’s more of the same crazy gore-fest goodness.

The basic story is as thus: (from IMDb)

Set in a future-world vision of Tokyo where the police have been privatized and bitter self-mutilation is so casual that advertising is often specially geared to the “cutter” demographic, this is the story of samurai-sword-wielding Ruka and her mission to avenge her father’s assassination. Ruka is a cop from a squad who’s mission is to destroy homicidal mutant humans known as “engineers” possessing the ability to transform any injury to a weapon in and of itself.

Sound crazy? Kinda. But you’ve really got to see it to believe it.

Some parts of TGP remind me of Robocop. There are parts in the movie where it suddenly switches to a TV advert, one in particular (which I thought was hilarious in this day and emo-age) was for special cutter blades, where emo-kids could use these fancy blades to cut cool shapes in to themselves, all done in over the top TV ad style. Very funny.

Tokyo Gore Police - she's the radio control chick

Tokyo Gore Police - she's the Police radio controller chick

Other parts of the movie are just plain mad. We often cut to scenes where a woman with an old 1950’s style microphone announces, in her best radio voice, incidents that are occurring. I can only assume that she’s the radio controller for the Police!

In other scenes we see a maniac murdering a woman and stuffing her remains in to a cardboard box:

She's a boxer. Hah! Geddit?! I made a funny!

She's a boxer. Hah! Geddit?! I made a funny!

In a rather fetishistic scene we see odd looking mutants dance across a stage with a skin covered, still breathing, chair that pees on people! Behold:

It's a living, breathing, peeing chair!

It's a living, breathing, peeing chair!

But there is some inventive stuff here. When the engineers are making other people engineers, they hold an organic key to the persons skin and a little keyhole appears, they pop the key in and turn it and a part of the person just pops open, unlocked, for the engineer to stick the key in to. I’ve not seen that done before!

Crazy/gory/mutated scenes are ten a penny in this film, too many to capture for here, but TGP is definitely a beautiful film. It’s well lit (colourful), the effects are pretty much all latex (yay! No CGI!) and there is a story.

I’ll be honest with you people. I downloaded a DVD-rip of TGP with subs, but I’ll tell you: if this comes out on DVD as a Directors Cut I’ll be all over it like a rash. You mark my words!

Tokyo Gore Police… it’s your DUTY to watch it!

Behold, the trailer… bow before it’s greatness!

21
Dec
08

My Favorite Christmas Flicks

Christmas is a time of giving.  Unfortunately,  fans of darker, more alternative cinema usually get nothing in the way of movies geared towards there interests. So for all of you out there who think Santa should be more like this:

gothsantaOR THIS:

hailsanta

Here are my suggestions for a few holiday films that should satisfy both your desire to get into the “spirit” of the season, and your unquenchable lust to see blood split.

santasslaySanta’s Slay is every bit as silly and wild as it’s title and casting (Ex-Wrestler Bill Goldberg stars as Santa) suggests, but despite being a movie i laughed at when I first heard about it, I was pleasantly surprised at how entertaining it was.  Plus, it starts off with one of the best scenes in cinematic history.

And if that’s not enough reason to watch this movie, I just don’t know what is.

batman_returns_ver41

Batman Returns, the last Batman movie to be directed by Tim Burton, is kind of like a superhero, Christmas themed acid trip.  Along with a lot of maiming, killing, and a terrific role by Christopher Walken, people often forget that Gotham city is heavily entrenched in the Winter season during the film, making it the perfect movie for all you comic books fans to turn on while remaining in the holiday spirit.

Samuel L. Jackson's Christmas Motherfuckin' Special Motherfuckers.

Samuel L. Jackson's Christmas Motherfuckin' Special Motherfuckers.

The Long Kiss Goodnight, directed by the criminally underrated Renny Harlin (who also directed Die hard 2, which pops up on this list as well) is a great little action movie taking place around Christmas.  The whole movie is full of winter scenes, and of course, the awesomeness that is any word Samuel Jackson speaks.  A great flick in it’s own right, made appropriate for this list by the time of year in which it takes place.

Fucking Terrible...but so much fun.

Fucking Terrible...but so much fun.

It had to be done.  A Killer, Mutant Snowman movie.  Words can’t describe how terrible this movie is.  But, if you have friends with a high tolerance for garbage, a great sense of humor, and lots of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, this movie can be really really fun.  Shannon Elizabeth is in it, and she is “raped” by the snowman.  How can you not watch?

Remember when Mel Gibson was the fucking man?  I do.

Remember when Mel Gibson was the fucking man? I do.

Another 80’s action classic, taking place mostly on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  This one really put the “buddy-cop” movies on the map, fusing intense, over the top action with quality, mostly conversational humor.  Add a Christmas theme to the proceedings and you got yourself another violent winter classic.

Poor Ol' John McClain can't even enjoy Christmas without having to waste some Jerkoffs and Scumbags.

Poor Ol' John McClain can't even enjoy Christmas without having to waste some Jerk offs and Scumbags.

John McClain has a second run in with some terrorists dirt bags in Die Hard 2, this time in the form of William Saddler, character actor extraordinaire.  Die Hard 2 is universally seen as the only weak link in the “quadrilogy”, but it’s still a perfectly serviceable late night Christmas action romp.  Plus Dennis Franz is in it, and he kind of looks like Santa anyway.

Holy shit.  That's so cute I just want to squeeze it.

Holy shit. That's so cute I just want to squeeze it.

Gremlins is one of the best, and only true, Christmas time creature feature movies.  Made back in the golden age of puppets and robot controlled dolls, Gremlins isn’t tainted by shoddy computer graphics or green screen trickery.  It’s an old fashioned mini-monster movie made the way they should all be made, with convincing puppets and prosthetic effects that give you something tangible to fear, or love in the case of Gizmo.  And like most 80’s movies, this one has some truly dark and scary moments, making it perfect for younger audiences and adults.  Long live the Mogwai.

yippee kiya mother fucker.  Merry Christmas.

yippee kiya mother fucker. Merry Christmas.

Die Hard is not only the holy grail of “one man army” action movies, it’s also one of the best Christmas movies ever made.  John McClain’s wise ass comments, the perfect “radio only” sidekick in Ellis, a tremendously devious villain in Gruber, and a supporting cast chock full of talent.  Add to the mix a phenomenal pace, some of the most impressive action scenes to date, and a not one, but two, finales and you have yourself the perfect action movie.  Oh yeah, and it all takes place around Christmas, complete with a Christmas music credit scene.  Truly a gift of a movie.

That’s it for this years edition of my personal Christmas movie favorites.  Hopefully some of these selections will help ease the pain of having to see another Hallmark Christmas special starring Tony Danza on your TV.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to share this gift.  It’s some power metal band who wrote a Christmas song about how Frosty and Rudolph never liked each other.  It’s really funny, and actually pretty well done.




29
Oct
08

Russ Meyer – King of Sexploitation

Russ Meyer - King of Sexploitation

Russ Meyer - King of Sexploitation

Russ Meyer – King of Sexploitation, is an old documentary, made shortly after his death in September 2004 and explores the magic of boobs uh, I mean, his movies.

The documentary is chock full of Russ Meyer clips and interviews with friends, ex-girlfriend and actresses.

Everyone from Director John Landis to Playboy founder Hugh Hefner gushes about what they love most about Meyers movies, or how they came to meet him.

Beginning with his first few movies (Faster Pussycat Kill Kill) it explains how his movies were some of the first to contain nudity (no explicit sex) and with a plot! *gasp!*

It introduces his main actresses (ex-girlfriend Kitten Natividad and Tura Satana, who still appear at Meyer fan conventions) and explains how he was a World War II videographer which is where he honed his craftmanship.

Tura Satana - as she was in the 70's

Tura Satana (in the black) - as she was in the 60's

It then moves on to the 70’s where Hollywood gave Meyer a decent budget and a shot at the big time. His film (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls) effectively poked fun at Hollywood, and Hollywood had no idea what to do with the film nor what it meant.

Tura Satana as she looks now - still scary...

Tura Satana as she looks now - still scary...

By the mid-late 70’s Meyers films were more cartoony and he was appearing either introducing them, or explaining the movie at the end. The level of violence in his films had increased, never blood and guts graphic, but still violent none the less.

The great man himself - Russ Meyer

The great man himself - Russ Meyer

As we reach the end of the documentary, it explains how – in his mid-80’s – Meyer’s health began to fail, as did his memory. Tura Satana explains it sadly in how he used to call her name, but in his last days he could only say ‘I know I’m supposed to know you […] but I can’t remember who you are…’

A true under-rated genius. Like the film says: he was one of the few guys to take a $20k budget and have the film rake in over $1m.

26
Oct
08

Celluloid Carcass – Horror Mixtape

Celluloid Carcass

Celluloid Carcass

Celluloid Carcass is a mix tape. If you’re unsure as to what a mix tape is I’ll tell you: it’s basically a load of movie clips, sometimes put to music, for your perverse enjoyment.

So, with that out of the way, what’s actually in Celluloid Carcass? To be honest, I’ve no idea. I recognise some clips in it, but a lot of them I’ve never seen before.

See, the good thing about a mix tape is that you sometimes see clips in there that make you think ‘Fuck! That looks awesome!’ and hunt down the movie that the clip came from. This mix tape did that to me a few times.

oh oh! I know this one, I know this one! She screamed so much she passed out! You don't see that in films now-a-days, the women are too busy trying to be men.

oh oh! I know this one, I know this one! She screamed so much she passed out. You don't see that in films now-a-days, the women are too busy trying to be men 😦

The mix tape starts with quite a long sequence panning along all sorts of mangled bodies before bringing up the logo (above). We’re then treated to some ghetto bitch fights before moving swiftly along to some rednecks out in the forest discussing who’s turning who ‘queer’. I won’t mention every clip as part of the beauty in a mix tape is that you’ve just no idea what to expect next.

Gratuitous nipple shot

Gratuitous nipple shot

There is, of course, some mad Japanese stuff in there, one is a chick dressed very cowboy like with the poncho-type thing on, but when the ponch-type thing comes off? Well, I’ll leave that to you to see. The other Japanese clip of note is between two women in fancy dress pretending to kick each others ass while cartoon sound effects are playing (below)… very odd!

Id love to have been cutting through the park that day...

I'd love to have been cutting through the park that day...

One clip that did make me say ‘ooh, whassat??’ was from an animation. A wide shouldered hero type dodges gazillions of bullets, grenades and what not and is fighting against what I can only describe as tall scrawny looking Smurfs (below). If you know what film it’s from, please tell me the title!

See? They look like tall, scrawny, Smurfs!

See? They look like tall, scrawny, Smurfs!

Most of the other clips are of monsters. Some good, some bad. But even the bad ones are good, in a warped kinda way…

Quite possibly the cheapest looking monsters anywhere...

Quite possibly the cheapest looking monsters anywhere...

The tape ends with the necessary parts from Zombi 2 played in FFWD so you effectively get to see Zombi 2 in about five minutes. No bad thing.

What I like best about this mix tape is that it doesn’t go for the cheap mondo shots of real people/animals being mutilated/injured. Also, a nice touch is that rather than letter box some shots with the usual black bars at the top and bottom, it has nice dark red, patterened, bars which help with the presentation of the tape. Speaking of presentation, Celluloid Carcass does excellent here, a lot of the movie clips will have a piece of music playing that, in a funny way, relates to the scene.

All in all, this is one of the best mix tapes I’ve seen yet. No mondo gore, lots of cheesy monster effects and even a few indy movie clips, all wrapped up in one small, but beautifully presented, tape.

If you like mix tapes, then you might also like The Abortion Bin tape that I reviewed.

If you want to download this mix tape, here’s a hint: ‘Tracker 3’ (if you can get it to load).

21
Oct
08

Top 5 (+3) Posters for Halloween

It was near impossible for me pick just five, and somehow I managed to stop myself from cruising the Internet and sifting through my own collection at the magical number of…8


The criteria I used for my picks was simple.  Firstly, I had to actually know about or enjoy the movie’s themselves, as I will try to couple something akin to a mini-review with each poster.  Also, I tried to choose the most creative and eye-popping of the bunch, and if possible, the ones that have really cool innuendo, double-images, or are just plain sick and twisted.

In no particular order.

You see?  It's a skull, but it's also the women from the flick. That's fucking cool.

You see? It's a skull but it's also the women from the film. That's fucking cool.

If you haven’t yet seen Neil Marshall’s The Descent, then you need to go rent, buy, download, borrow from a buddy, or…something and see this flick.  The Descent is one of the most legitimately terrifying, psychologically draining, and claustrophobic films our generation is likely to ever see, and unfortunately the poster you see above wasn’t used very much in advertising for the film.  The reason?  Well, it probably had something to do with some stuck up liberal cunt thinking that the fact that women are screaming and posing on a poster is somehow sexist and degrading to women.  The irony of course, is that the movie is one of the strongest and best portrayals of women I’ve ever seen, in or out of the horror genre.  Anyway, this one-sheet gets on my list for being very innovative, slightly sexual, and having sweet double-imagery.  Oh, and the movie itself is near perfection.  That never hurts.

So much going on.  And the movie actually has ALL that crpa in it!

So much going on. And the movie actually has ALL that crap in it!

The Beyond is one of my all time favs.  Reviewed already on here by my best buddy Ronnie, who wasn’t as fanatical as I was about it, he still gave it some credit for being a cool little gore/zombie flick.  This poster, to me, represents perfectly the sheer chaos the film exudes.  Zombified girls getting their fucking heads blown off by grown men with a .357 magnum.  People running from scary shit.  Lots of screaming.  Dead people.  More dead people.  Mega bonus points for the almost “hand drawn” feel to it, and just the sheer amount of scenes from the movie they were able to fit into one sheet a paper without actually ruining some of the best parts, which of course are the gnarly kills.

Someones about to get a good Ol' fashioned raping.  Wait, IN A HITCHCOCK FILM?!?!?!?!?

Someones about to get a good ol' fashioned raping/murder combo. Wait, IN A HITCHCOCK FILM?!?!?!?

This one threw me for a total loop.  Hitchcock, a man known for his thrillers and endless amount of class in dealing with sex and violence eloquently, yet this poster seems to suggest something totally different.  While Rear Window still is my favorite Hitchcock film, Dial M for Murder is a damn close second.  This poster seems very risky, even if we saw something like it today.  I mean, the girl is obviously in peril, and not only is it clear that the shady man’s intentions are to silence that bitch permanently, he may also be looking to get some non-consensual love while he’s at it.  Again folks, this is pretty dark, twisted, and edgy for Hitchcock, probably why I had never seen it before I started digging for posters for this project.

Spooky.

Spooky.

Fulci again graces my list, and this time for a film that is considered by many to be his nastiest.  House by the Cemetery has a reputation for being possibly the most sadistic and grotesque of Fulci’s work, a man who has nack for combing the surreal elements of Giallo films, with the raw horsepower of lingering, graphic, and sickening violence.  If you wanna see the most fucked up slit throat scene in the history of slit throat scenes, grab yourself a copy of this gore classic.  The poster though, speaks to me on a very Halloween “spooky” level, and is…dare i say…very classy and simple.  A little shadow play with a disfigured face up in the clouds, a full moon, a dark, twisty, kind of bent house and a graveyard with some fog.  This is the kind of stuff you see if a movie theater, and immediately turn to your friend and say “Fuck yeah were seeing that when it comes out!”

I so want this one my wall one day.  Cre-epy!

I so want this one my wall one day. Cre-epy!

Del Toro nailed two birds with one stone with his adult Gothic fairy tale Pan’s Labyrinth.  He not only re-asserted himself as one of the premiere genre directors to watch out for, but also may have creating the defining piece of his entire career.  I just don’t know how he will eclipse of movie that not only showed so much creativity and imagination , but had not one, but two amazing story lines to boot.  (One storyline taking place inside the “Fairy-Tale” world, and the other happening in reality)  This teaser poster always made me sweat in anticipation when I was waiting for this one to come out, and it’s because it’s both incredibly simple, and very creepy.  That sure looks like a “Baphomet” type character to me, not someone who I would let lead a small girl into another dimension.  Another movie that’s highly recommended and another poster I plan to one day have framed on a wall somewhere.  Alice in Wonderland for grown ups, but really really fucking twisted.

What the fuck is that thing on that poor girls HEAD?!?!?!?

What the fuck is that thing on that poor girls HEAD?!?!?!?

How much blood will you shed to stay alive?  Do I really need to say anything else?  The movie (notice I didn’t say series, as everyone seems to have different opinions about how the series has been handled, especially going into the 5th entry in ’08) that changed how audiences viewed horror movies forever, and catapulted the “Torture Porn” sub-category into the cross-hairs of oversensitive fagots worldwide, also happened to have one of the best marketing campaigns ever.  Starting with teaser posters that began floating around the Internet as early as 2001, and extending to some of the most clever “We’re showing you a lot but you have no fucking idea whats actually going on” trailers, SAW burst onto the scene and claimed it it’s own within weeks of its release theatrically.  A perfect tag-line.  A girl in peril without having to rely on sexuality.  One of the best movies series ever. It may not save horror, but it made me believe in slashers again.

It may not save horror, but it made me believe in slashers again.

The tag-line reads “It’s not a remake.  It’s not a sequel.  And it’s not based on a Japanese one.”  Hatchet was a movie I had my eyes on for almost four years, before finally getting to experience it myself in 2007.  Sometimes waiting for shit is a really good thing.  Hatchet delivered on every promise it’s first time director made.  The gore was ALL practical, NO cgi fuckery.  There were ample breasts, some extremely funny humor, some great boo scares, an incredibly likable monster/slasher, and the list goes on and on.  This poster sums the whole thing up too.  It’s an original piece of old school American horror, and sometimes all you need is an axe with some blood on it.  Run, don’t walk, to get your hands on this gem.

The Trick was to Stay Alive.  That is so classic

The Trick was to Stay Alive. That is so classic. And that chick is so fucked.

The poster no one ever saw.  Apparently there are some stories about how much trouble this little poster got into, but I haven’ been able to put all the pieces together, and I don’t want to sit here and just make shit up, so I will instead give you my take on it.  The picture itself is mostly distorted, obviously we can make out a girl in terror, and a hand outside that’s getting dangerously close to her.  Anyone who has seen the film knows what scene this is from.  The Tag-line here really butters my biscuit though.  “The Trick was to Stay Alive.”  That’s some badass shit folks.  Like, if Michael Myers ever needed a one-liner, it would have to be that.  The easy choice was the classic “pumpkin with a knife” poster, but this one, when I found it, spoke to me, especially with the woman in terror and then the incredible tag-line.  And again, it doesn’t give away too much, just enough to put asses in seats.

BONUS!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who have never been treated to seeing the made for tv halloween special, here is, in three parts via youtube, The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t!!!!!

P.S.  Told you I’d find it mom.  Love ya!



19
Oct
08

Top5 Posters for Halloween

These are in no particular order, and were chosen for their oddness…

Invasion Of The Saucer-Men

Invasion Of The Saucer-Men

I just love the over-dramatic posters of the 50’s

SEE – DISEMBODIED HAND THAT CRAWLS…!

SEE – TEENAGERS vs THE SAUCER-MEN!

(yes, they are genuinely taken from the poster, click it and see)

From good ol’ IMDb:

“A teenage couple making out in the woods accidentally runs over an alien creature with their car. The creature’s hand falls off, but it comes alive, and, with an eye growing out of it, begins to stalk the teens. Meanwhile, Joe the town drunk wants to store the body in his refrigerator, but some of the alien’s buddies inject alcohol into his system, and Joe dies of an overdose.”

Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun

Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun

I really don’t give a rats ass what the film is about, you really can’t go wrong with a chick dressed as a nun with her boobs out. WIN!

From IMDb (should anyone be remotely interested):

“16-year-old Maria is forced into Serra D’Aires convent, secretly run by Satanists. Her confessor is in collusion with the Mother Superior. Maria is tortured, forced into sex with men, women, and the horned Devil, and told that it’s all a bad dream. She writes a letter to God, and a Knight rescues her, only to fall into the hands of the Inquisition, put on the rack, and condemned to death like Joan of Arc.”

SUCH a good poster going to waste… I cry…  😥

Ghost In The Invisible Bikini

Ghost In The Invisible Bikini

There’s just so much going on in this poster that I couldn’t NOT post it!

Some highlights: the green (witch faced) chick in the top left corner. The chick in the purple bent over. Oh wait, there’s nothing suspect in that, that was my imagination, sorry!

Now this might be me just trying to be sensible but: surely a ghost (invisible) in an invisible bikini should be… a blank poster?…

From IMDb:

“Hiram Stokley is a recently desased corpse who learns that he has 24 hours to mastermind and perform one good deed in order to get into Heaven, so he enlists the help of his long deceased girlfriend Cecily, a ghost, to stop his greedy lawyer, Reginald Ripper and his henchman J. Sinister Hulk from claiming his estate for themselves and protecting his eligible heirs, Chuck, Lili, Hiram’s cousin Myrtle, and her son who brings his beach party friends up at the mansion for a pool party while Reginald Ripper also employs his daughter Sinistra, and J. Sinister Hulk’s slow-witted associates Chicken Feather and Yolanda to help them terrorize the teens, while dopey biker Eric Von Zipper and his Malibu Rat Pack bikers also get involved in pursuing Yolanda for a share of the estate.”

Well, I’m glad that cleared things up…  :/

Frogs

Frogs

I HAD to pick Frogs, it’s just such a bizarre yet funny poster!

I hope that the people of 1972 didn’t take this film seriously…

IMDb says:

“Ray Milland plays an aging, grumpy, physically disabled millionaire who invites his family to his island estate for his birthday celebration. Sam Elliot plays a free-lance photographer who is doing a pollution layout for an ecology magazine. Jason Crokett (Milland) hates nature, poisoning anything that crawls on his property. On the night of his birthday the frogs and other members of nature begin to pay Milland back.”

I wish I hadn’t read that summary, it kinda spoils the humour I get from the poster.

Damn you IMDb!

And my last one is also an odd one:

Werewolves On Wheels

Werewolves On Wheels

Three words: WHAT… THE… FUCK…

The ‘story’ according to IMDb is that:

“A biker gang visits a monastery where they encounter black-robed monks engaged in worshipping Satan. When the monks try to persuade one of the female bikers, Helen, to become a satanic sacrifice the bikers smash up the monastery and leave. The monks have the last laugh, though, as Helen, as a result of the satanic rituals, is now possessed and at night changes into a werewolf, with dire results for the biker gang.”

That’s about as clear as mud. That doesn’t look like a female werewolf on that motorbike. If it is, it’s a lesbo werewolf (how good a film would that make?! I’m a genius!) as it’s carrying a female. Or is it a shemale/tranny biker?

Oh God, I have to go now. I have a script running riot in my brain!

Honourable mention goes to:

High School Dropouts

High School Drop-outs

Not only is it, quite possibly, the worst poster ever scratched, but it also makes no sense.

“They wanted tools that didn’t come in schools”

That tagline alone has at least two innuendos.

Even the almighty IMDb has trouble with its title.

Either way, God awful poster and I’m quite glad I can’t get a synopsis for it. Last time I got a synopsis it spoiled the poster! (see cool topless nun poster (above)).

.

OK Alex, your turn, beat that lot!