Posts Tagged ‘bikini


Bandh Darwaza – Bollywood Dracula

bandh_darwaza_big Bandh Darwaza is hard to describe. It’s part Hammer House of Horror, part comedy.

The film begins with a rather official looking certificate, for something or other:

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

… then shows a couple who are praying for a child, some old guy with some funny markings on his forehead says that they will be successful, but God works in mysterious ways. Personally, I think it’s the guy who just can’t ‘do the business’ as it were.

Next the housekeeper makes the woman an offer.

No, not that kind of offer, you perv!

She tells the childless wife that if she visits ‘Black Mountain’ she is guaranteed a child. This is where Dracula appears. Well, I dunno if he’s meant to actually be Dracula, but he’s dressed like his Hollywood counterpart, he’s definitely a vampire, I know that much. Anyway, he demands that if the kid is a girl, he keeps it. Kinky. The guy playing Dracula/Vampire is actually pretty spooky looking, but that’s spoiled by the fact that he walks as though he has a broom stuck up his ass. Shame. But sure enough the woman gives birth to a girl, a big fight ensues and Dracula/Vampire gets bumped off.

All that happens in the first twenty minutes of the movie. It was at this point that a whole load of credits popped up on the screen, amongst which were:


Always handy to know where they get their wood from...

I thought that maybe this was a short film, and checked the run time then realised it was over two hours long! Are all Bollywood movies this long?

After the credits is where it gets rather saucy, and funny. A well fit Indian chick in a tight leotard is doing her aerobics while a pervy little servant guy peeks through the door.

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

I’ve no idea who the little perv guy is, but he’s the best part of the whole movie. He’s genuinely hilarious!

Fit chick and pervy guy (right)

Fit chick with boobs, and pervy guy (right)

After a while, we learn that the fit chick is actually the daughter who should have been sacrificed to Drac/Vamp but wasn’t. Blah blah blah… more Dracula stuff then… dancing. Yep, it’s Bollywood, so no movie is complete without some singing and dancing. This happens about five times in the movie, I just fast forwarded past the music bits. The next best bit of the movie is when this other fit chick tries to seduce the fit chicks guy…

Oh my! I would!

Oh my! I would!

Blah blah blah, as you’d expect: they defeat the evil vampire (after about two hours!) and all is well.

The only bad thing about the movie is that it has no nudity or boobage, very dissapointing, especially for a Dracula/Vampire movie. I’d expect some nakedness and cavorting, but no. But for a film thats long, completely crackers and has hot Indian chicks in tight stuff… it’s great! 😀


Top5 Posters for Halloween

These are in no particular order, and were chosen for their oddness…

Invasion Of The Saucer-Men

Invasion Of The Saucer-Men

I just love the over-dramatic posters of the 50’s



(yes, they are genuinely taken from the poster, click it and see)

From good ol’ IMDb:

“A teenage couple making out in the woods accidentally runs over an alien creature with their car. The creature’s hand falls off, but it comes alive, and, with an eye growing out of it, begins to stalk the teens. Meanwhile, Joe the town drunk wants to store the body in his refrigerator, but some of the alien’s buddies inject alcohol into his system, and Joe dies of an overdose.”

Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun

Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun

I really don’t give a rats ass what the film is about, you really can’t go wrong with a chick dressed as a nun with her boobs out. WIN!

From IMDb (should anyone be remotely interested):

“16-year-old Maria is forced into Serra D’Aires convent, secretly run by Satanists. Her confessor is in collusion with the Mother Superior. Maria is tortured, forced into sex with men, women, and the horned Devil, and told that it’s all a bad dream. She writes a letter to God, and a Knight rescues her, only to fall into the hands of the Inquisition, put on the rack, and condemned to death like Joan of Arc.”

SUCH a good poster going to waste… I cry…  😥

Ghost In The Invisible Bikini

Ghost In The Invisible Bikini

There’s just so much going on in this poster that I couldn’t NOT post it!

Some highlights: the green (witch faced) chick in the top left corner. The chick in the purple bent over. Oh wait, there’s nothing suspect in that, that was my imagination, sorry!

Now this might be me just trying to be sensible but: surely a ghost (invisible) in an invisible bikini should be… a blank poster?…

From IMDb:

“Hiram Stokley is a recently desased corpse who learns that he has 24 hours to mastermind and perform one good deed in order to get into Heaven, so he enlists the help of his long deceased girlfriend Cecily, a ghost, to stop his greedy lawyer, Reginald Ripper and his henchman J. Sinister Hulk from claiming his estate for themselves and protecting his eligible heirs, Chuck, Lili, Hiram’s cousin Myrtle, and her son who brings his beach party friends up at the mansion for a pool party while Reginald Ripper also employs his daughter Sinistra, and J. Sinister Hulk’s slow-witted associates Chicken Feather and Yolanda to help them terrorize the teens, while dopey biker Eric Von Zipper and his Malibu Rat Pack bikers also get involved in pursuing Yolanda for a share of the estate.”

Well, I’m glad that cleared things up…  :/



I HAD to pick Frogs, it’s just such a bizarre yet funny poster!

I hope that the people of 1972 didn’t take this film seriously…

IMDb says:

“Ray Milland plays an aging, grumpy, physically disabled millionaire who invites his family to his island estate for his birthday celebration. Sam Elliot plays a free-lance photographer who is doing a pollution layout for an ecology magazine. Jason Crokett (Milland) hates nature, poisoning anything that crawls on his property. On the night of his birthday the frogs and other members of nature begin to pay Milland back.”

I wish I hadn’t read that summary, it kinda spoils the humour I get from the poster.

Damn you IMDb!

And my last one is also an odd one:

Werewolves On Wheels

Werewolves On Wheels

Three words: WHAT… THE… FUCK…

The ‘story’ according to IMDb is that:

“A biker gang visits a monastery where they encounter black-robed monks engaged in worshipping Satan. When the monks try to persuade one of the female bikers, Helen, to become a satanic sacrifice the bikers smash up the monastery and leave. The monks have the last laugh, though, as Helen, as a result of the satanic rituals, is now possessed and at night changes into a werewolf, with dire results for the biker gang.”

That’s about as clear as mud. That doesn’t look like a female werewolf on that motorbike. If it is, it’s a lesbo werewolf (how good a film would that make?! I’m a genius!) as it’s carrying a female. Or is it a shemale/tranny biker?

Oh God, I have to go now. I have a script running riot in my brain!

Honourable mention goes to:

High School Dropouts

High School Drop-outs

Not only is it, quite possibly, the worst poster ever scratched, but it also makes no sense.

“They wanted tools that didn’t come in schools”

That tagline alone has at least two innuendos.

Even the almighty IMDb has trouble with its title.

Either way, God awful poster and I’m quite glad I can’t get a synopsis for it. Last time I got a synopsis it spoiled the poster! (see cool topless nun poster (above)).


OK Alex, your turn, beat that lot!